Tag Archives: health

Waiting for the green man

31 Aug

I was rushing into town today.  I’d had 4 hours sleep after nightshift, needed to get to optician and then on to another appointment and was running out of time.  The pedestrian crossing was red but the road was clear, however, a small girl across the other side had just been told by her mum to stand back from the kerb and wait for the little green man.  I couldn’t run across and set a bad example.  So I waited.  And took time to breathe deeply, to unhunch my shoulders and to feel the sun on my face.  It felt good.  I started to remember what it was like as a child.

When a summer’s day where you could splash in the paddling pool; or chase dandelion fairies; or just spin round and round with the warmth on your face was the best day ever.

Until Autumn, when you could kick through the leaves and throw them over your head, with crinkly colours landing on your smile; gather conkers and get excited for the fireworks that would be coming soon.  THAT was the best day ever.

Then the snow of winter:  snowmen; wooly gloves laden with snow-ice that you just licked off like a hairy ice lolly; hot chocolate and marshmallows to defrost you at the end of the day.  That HAS to be best day EVER.

When change was scary but so exciting.  The first day of new school.  What would your teacher be like?  The other pupils?  Would there be someone new?  Were you going to be the new person?  (I moved around a lot as a child and went to a lot of schools, I know that ‘new girl, first day’ feeling well.  PS – I was an army kid, we weren’t on the run nor  was I just being expelled each time!)

But while nerves were tingling, you couldn’t wait to get in there and meet the challenge head on, because you didn’t know that being nervous was a reason not to do something.

When, if you fell over you just got back up and rushed back to try again.  Falling over wasn’t a reason to miss out on the excitement of life – your friends would still be playing, you needed to be there in the thick of it.  Sitting, fidgeting as your mum stuck on a plaster, because you were impatient to get back out there and climb that tree again until you DID reach the high branch and didn’t fall out; to make it all the way down the hill in the go-kart made from a toy pram.  Even though 17 times already it had tipped you out and cut your lip open.

A time when every day held the possibility of being the Best Day Ever.

When falling down was never a reason to stop.

When nerves were never a reason not to try.

When fear of change was never a reason to hold on to the past.

So maybe we need that pause at the red light and remember what it was like to be a kid, so that when the green man appears we bound ahead with the enthusiasm and optimism we used to have.

DSC_0182

Advertisements

What I learned from a Carrot

8 Apr

There’s an app you can get called Carrot.  Its a to do list organiser, but a to do list with attitude.  And a grudge.  If you don’t complete a task for a few hours it’s mood turns to wrathful and it thinks up punishments for you.  I resorted to putting in fairly simple tasks that I knew I had to do (get up, shower, drink water) just so I could cross things off the list and keep Carrot happy, or at least placated and not have it drop a house on me.  So if I’m so willing to keep an app on my phone happy through achieving simple things in life – why do I give myself such a hard time for things I perceive as ‘failure’?

I’ve been off work a few weeks now, stress related, so have had lots of time to think.  Sometimes for me that isn’t good as generally my thinking will start off very positive and with lots of goals and aims but then I’ll hit a set back and I’ll see that as a reflection of how crap I am so it reinforces my initial opinion and the spiral of self-hate starts back up.  So why set myself up for failure in the first place?  If I’ll let Carrot have simple tasks to be pleased with, why not do the same for myself?

Take marathon training.  At the beginning of the year I set myself a half marathon and marathon goal.  Things were going great, I was running regularly and had completed an 11 mile run in a couple of hours.  Half marathon was well within my grasp.  But then I picked up an injury – hip feels like its been beaten with an iron bar and has a constant ache in the bone like pressing on a bruise.  Resting hasn’t particularly helped and when I tried to run again, I couldn’t even manage a mile before hobbling home.  So what do I do:  I tell myself I’m a failure, that I can’t even run – even toddlers can run!  I’ve failed on the half marathon and I’m not likely to get the marathon.  But why am I looking at it like this?  Who have I ‘failed’?  No-one else particularly cares.  I don’t mean that in a bad way, as there has been some fantastic support from people both that I know and through Twitter (which is great for keeping you going but can also cause you to judge yourself harshly and unnecessarily when you see what amazing goals others achieve – but for a different blog!).  But in terms of will other people care to an extent where it changes their opinion of me?  I doubt it!  They have their own goals and aspirations and worries.  They’d have been happy for me if I’d succeeded but I doubt they’ll be turning up on my doorstep to chastise and berate me for not doing it!  So why am I not telling myself “well done, you ran 11 miles!  that’s the furthest you’ve run in a long, long time, that’s amazing!”  If I was Carrot I’d have given me a kitten for that!

In similar way, I’ve been looking at my ‘failure’ of a second marriage going down the pan and being on my own, again.  But is that really a failure?  Did I take nothing positive from the experiences?  Did I learn nothing?  Surely there are some positives in there that could be ticked off the list?   I need to relook at those relationships and figure out which bits could be ticked off the list (that’s going to be for another blog, too!)

The stress from work – maybe I need to stop trying to get everything to be perfect?  Nobody else seems to be bothered if things aren’t done absolutely correctly or if things aren’t black and white, so why am I the one putting my head over the parapet to question why things are being done as they are or trying to change it?  I suppose a coaching book would talk about circles of responsibility and circles of concern:  I’m going to look at it like an old pair of knickers instead.  The edges may be a bit frayed, the elastic might be getting worn and the colour is more grey than black or white – but they are keeping my arse covered and so why bother trying to change them!!

So for now, no more setting myself challenges or aims which may just serve to reinforce a negative self-image.  If someone doesn’t want to talk to me or be friends, then so be it; if I don’t eat healthily or lose weight then fine; if I stay single a bit longer, ok; if work doesn’t get done but I’ve done all I can, that’s all I can do.  Maybe at the moment its more important that my head is healthy and fit rather than being a size 12, marathon running Inspector.

carrot2

Another mile closer …

14 Oct

This week has been a bit of a struggle.  One of those where everything just seems to pile up on top of me and all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball under my duvet and stay there for a month or two.   But I guess when you’re a grown up and you have responsiblities you can’t really do that.  Firstly, they’d stop paying me, but before that I’d probably die of starvation as noone to bring me food and then the dog would eat me as he’d be hungry.  Actually, scratch that, he isn’t the sort of dog that would wait for me to die – he’d smother me with a pillow and then gnaw on my leg!

I knew it was going to be bad on a personal level, but to really kick me in the head, work decided to be really difficult this week.  I ended up having to cancel a day off and I went in on the weekend, yet despite that everything I did just seemed to go wrong.  At one point I cried.  At work.  In front of my boss.  I hate crying in front of anyone.  At all, ever.  To cry in front of my boss was just mortifying!  Although I think he was slightly more perturbed by it than me!

On a personal level its been…. shall we go with ‘challenging’?   Its almost a year now since the day I found the text that showed me my husband was cheating on me.  So it was going to be a bit difficult anyway, he’s still with the woman he cheated on me with and I’m alone.  But in that ‘yes I am going to kick you when you’re down’ way that I mentioned before – they’re heading off to New Zealand on holiday (well, part holiday, part racing in World Championship Tri, but he didn’t qualify so that is sort of amusing to me!).  Its not that I want to be with him, I really don’t.  But New Zealand was a dream holiday for us a few years ago and we always planned on going back.  So that he’s going there with someone else is hard, its as though I’m being airbrushed out of existence.   But more than that, it hurts that I’m still alone.  It hurts that someone can go so quickly from telling you that you’re their soul mate and that they love you so much and then all of a sudden they don’t think that any more and they’re telling someone else that.  It hurts to realise there is noone in the world that loves you.

So I had a bit of a mope this week.  I’ve cried a fair bit at home (in addition to the work bit), I’ve walked the dog in quiet fields and howled alone as I whipped along on the pity train.   But I’ve got a choice, I can sink into a pit of wallowing or I can do what I was doing before – just get on with things.  Get up, go to work, come home, do stuff, watch the days pass by.  So that’s what I’m doing.

In the spirit of that, I’ll focus now on what has been positive:

Had a fabulous weekend last weekend.  Friends came up from Hampshire and we had proper girls night out.  Lunch, wine and shopping during the day.  Cocktails and all of us getting ready together in the evening.  I wore a boned corset that I’d treated myself to and I felt like I looked ok.   I did seem to attract attention from traveller types and not the good ‘aussie back packers on a trip to the UK’ type, but that meant I did get to learn some good techniques from my friend in how to get rid of unwanted attention (that’s never been an issue for me before so I tended to be too polite!!)

I’ve lost more weight and am now less than a pound away from dropping into the ‘tens’ (ten stone bracket, that is, not size 10, thats a bit away yet!).  Even after a blow out weekend last weekend, I got back on to the healthy eating and managed to lose a pound this week.  19 pounds to go to target weight.

I’ve run:

Friday 5/10 I got up early so that I could get a 5k in before work.  It was slow, averaging 12.29 minute miles and I walked some of it.

Recovery from weekend meant I didn’t get back out until the 11th, when I upped the distance to 4.16 miles and dropped the time to 11.10 minute miles.  This time I didn’t walk any of it.  It was also absolutely tipping it down, but not only did I still go out there and do it, I actually enjoyed it more.  I think I mentioned once before that I seemed to like running in the rain.  That does appear to be confirmed.

Today, I wanted to run for an hour just to see if I could.  I had in the back of my head that I’d like to start moving towards the 5mile mark as I’ve got my eye on the Woburn Reindeer 10k in November.  Imagine how pleased I was at the end of the run to realise I’d run 5.46miles at a speed of 11.01 minute miles.   Though clearly as  do like to be hard on myself, I also thought if only I’d run another .04 I’d have done 5.5 and if I’d just sped up a bit I’d have been high 10’s!!!  But it gives me an aim for next week.  A mid week 5.5, a fast 3.1 and a 6mile next weekend.  Also going to look up the application for the reindeer run and have it ready just in case.

The technical bits and a picture of the hilly bits

Hot, sweaty, pasty faced – but proud of me!!

floating on the breeze

7 Aug

I meant to write this update last week, but time got away with me.  Now I’m glad I waited, as it would have been easy to write it last week as last week was a really good week.   Its easier to write positive when you’re feeling good.   I’d had a few days off work, I’d got some revision done, I’d had some really good advice (more in a moment on that) and I had a great evening out for a friend’s leaving do.

Then the weekend happened.  The weekend was fairly crap.  Actually, the weekend was really crap.   Surely though, that’s the reality check to see if the advice really is sinking in or whether I’m just paying lip service?

“have you ever tried really hard for something only to lose it through no fault of your own?  Like a situation totally beyond your control….. So you know no-one can be certain of a future.  You’re not cursed or evil or punished.   You’re just floating along on the breeze.  Without a clue what’s coming.”

When you’re a wee bit of a control freak like me, that’s a difficult thing to hear.  But when I started to really think about it and really work out all the major things that have happened in my life that just came out of nowhere, that I had little or no control over, I realised how true it really was.  And how liberating that felt.  I suppose its just a fancier way of saying ‘I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it’, but it somehow made more sense when it was put in terms of floating along on the breeze, likely to be lifted or dropped depending on the thermals, twisting and turning but still moving.

So when the crap started, yes, I had a mope.  Yes, I had a bit of a rant.  But then I really thought about it:   what could I actually change?  What could I do to make the best of what had happened?   I could decide not to put myself in a position where there could be a repeat of what had happened.  I could decide to focus on good things instead.  I could decide that rather than hide in my cave (as I would in the past) when a friend offered to come round, I could accept.  I had my rant, then we chatted and laughed about other stuff (ok, mainly puppy stuff!).   A fairly major difference that shows to me how far I’ve moved forward:   I went food shopping.  Nothing major there, except – I stuck to my healthy eating shopping list. I ate healthily all weekend.  I didn’t swamp my feelings in a whole loaf turned into toast and jam or eat enough Haribo to turn me into a jelly (belly) teddy.   That might not sound much, but for someone who eats when happy and eats more when upset, it was a big step forward.  I also didn’t dwell.  I picked myself back up, went into work on Monday and just, well, just got on with things.  The breeze had taken me along a different turn, may as well make the most of it.

Floating along on the breeze doesn’t mean that I’m abdicating my sense of responsibility or ambition, or that I’m just leaving everything to fate.  It means I won’t be focussing on the outcome, instead I’ll be putting in the things I need to do each day, be it eating healthily, be it getting another few chapters of revision done, be it sticking a smile on my face and two fingers up at those that try to bring me down.   I’ll put as much into each day as I can so that when opportunity does knock, I’m ready to sling my jacket on, grab my purse and rush off with opportunity wherever it may take me.

Floating

To our hairy friends

27 Jul

This blog is brought about with thoughts and hugs going out to a friend who’s going through a tough time at the moment, but may make sense to anyone out there who is owned by a dog.   We might moan about them sometimes when they’ve chewed up something (usually something big and difficult to replace and definitely something they weren’t meant to chew), we might despair when they won’t do as they’re told and they’re having one of the crazy 15 minutes, we might feel a bit resentful when we leave a party early to get home because they need letting out.  But ultimately, we wouldn’t be without those beautiful, hairy heart grabbers.

When I went through my first marriage break up and all the mess that was around that, it was my dog that got me through it.  Don’t get me wrong, I had some great friends standing by me.  But on the days when I didn’t feel I could drag myself from my bed, I had to because Fergus (the beautiful dalmatian pictured below) had to be walked.  When I couldn’t be bothered to shop for food, I had to because there was no way he was going to go without eating (never, and I mean NEVER try to deprive a dally of food) and without putting too fine a point on it, when I felt like knocking back a stack of pills and just falling asleep forever, I knew I had to go on because I couldn’t bear the thought of Fergus having to go to a rescue home (he was a handful, noone else would have been insane enough to take him on!)  In no small way I owe my life to my boy.

Image

Fergus was eventually joined by Phoebe, my pretty, neurotic girl and we had some great times together.  Those dogs knew how to party – and Fergus was a huge flirt!

Image

This time round, I’ve got Ed.  Bouncy, troublesome, insane, cuddlesome Ed.   And I’m thankful for it.  He stops the house being too quiet when silence is the last thing I need.  If I’m feeling miserable he’ll stick his hairy face on my knee and stare at me with his beautiful amber eyes.  In the past I’ve used running to help me get rid of the crazy in my head.  At the moment I can’t run, but I can get out for a walk.  Who can feel bad when they’ve strolled through a field full of corn, hearing a river bubble underneath the brambles.  Stumbling across a four leaf clover that makes you just know everything is going to be fine.  In the sunshine of the last few days, when you watch the ground getting harder and more cracked, switching from heavy walking boots to lightweight Vans, you can feel your soul opening back up to bask in the warmth.  Even in the rain, you can splosh through mud and feel the freedom you last felt when you were 5 and splashed through puddles in ducky wellies!   Unlikely I’d be doing that if it wasn’t for Ed.

In the last week alone its been Ed that has brought the biggest smile to my face and made me laugh out loud even though noone else around.  Watching him point and then stalk so carefully his prey …. of a ripped plastic bag had me praising him and giggling all at the same time.  Seeing him run like Predator through cornfields – all rustling corn then the sudden appearance of a head before he disappears in a flash, has me laughing the whole walk.  (2nd biggest laugh, was when a colleague joked to me ‘keep your chin up…. both of them’ the look on his face as a universal gasp of went round the office was a sight to behold!!)

So, to our hairy friends, I say a big thank you – for always being there for us, for loving us unconditionally, for silent support, for the laughs and the fun, for getting us out of the house, you have eternal gratitude.  Now, where do I find me a man like that?!!!

Image

New and Improved: Week One Review

6 Jun

Regarding Project Proposal: Sharon 1.2, Review

Wednesday 6 June 2012

Last week we set you some goals for getting your life back on track, looking at a few different areas although some of those areas were linked. I think its important that we review those to consider progress, barriers to progress and make sure you keep on track. In a moment we’ll go over those, but first of all could you give an overview of how you think the week went.

In general it was a positive week, with the good outweighing the bad.  There was a wobble when I climbed on the pity train, but I only stayed on it for a short while before jumping off and deciding to go for a run instead.  I had a lovely day on Saturday, with afternoon tea at local pub and several hours wandering round the kite festival and drinking coffee with friends.  (In fairness, the wandering took about 20 minutes, the drinking coffee much longer.)

If we consider the goals that were set:  firstly exercise and food.

I did get out for a couple of runs and did two yoga classes.  The yoga made me realise quite how unstretchy I am.   The lesson didn’t seem particularly challenging, but the next day when I realised I was struggling with standing up without sounding like a Wimbledon champion in the middle of a rally, I concluded that perhaps it was tougher than I thought.  On the positive side, at least I didn’t fart through the class!!  I also persevered with my gym induction despite a dodgy start.  While booking in for programme setting, I asked the personal trainer who’d been explaining the machines to me whether I’d be able to have a programme that focussed on my core.  He took a moment to look me up and down and fully take in the muffin tops and overstretched lycra, before telling me that if I wanted to lose weight I couldn’t spot reduce through exercise.  I refrained from smacking him in the mouth and instead pointed out that I did know that, but having undergone two lots of abdominal surgery in a year, I wanted to focus on rebuilding my core.   I didn’t point out that as a motivational technique, highlighting my need to lose weight wasn’t particularly helpful and that I was fully aware I wasn’t a tiny little gym bunny!! Fortunately the trainer who gave me my programme was more tactful and very helpful and on return from holiday I’ll be tackling the exercise ball-based plan he’s put together for me.  The fact that the trainer demonstrated the exercises and I could watch his rippling abs (through his t-shirt, he didn’t go topless, its not that sort of gym) did make the whole process rather fun.  The lie down in the yoga class immediately afterwards was quite a relief!!

Food wise – I’ve kept off the take aways (apologies to Dominoes if profits are down), however, I’ve developed an addiction to salt and vinegar rice cakes.  That’s wrong on a number of levels:  the main one being that who the hell develops an addiction to rice cakes, freak!  Second – just because its ‘healthy’ doesn’t mean you can eat unlimited quantities.   Must work on keeping amount of food down (not physically, I haven’t developed a bulimia habit).  

Ok, that sounds quite positive, what about feeling comfortable with your body?

Hmmm, I’m going to link that one with the ‘be ready to start a new relationship’.  I kind of realised something that I might be doing and I’m not sure how to tackle it or whether at the moment I want to.   I don’t feel ready to start dating and part of that is that I realise that if I start dating there will come a point where I have to be naked in front of someone, possibly with lights on, even if dim lights and/or with him putting dark glasses on.  I really don’t feel comfortable with the idea of someone seeing all my cellulite and gunt in all its glory!   However, I could be doing more to get that weight off (see above and the overeating – healthyish food, but still overeating).  So maybe, I’m keeping the weight on as a protection – if I’m worried about how I look, I won’t feel ready to date, I won’t be looking and therefore I won’t get hurt or be betrayed.   Not sure yet on that, at least I’m admitting it to myself so maybe that is first step in addressing it.  As I sit and type the chip shop is calling, but I’m telling myself to go for quorn and veggies instead.  

I could tell you that you are being silly, and that a bloke won’t care about the cellulite and gunt, instead he’ll just be glad there is a naked woman, but I’m pretty sure you won’t listen.  So instead lets move on to finance side of things.

I’ve put in the paperwork to do my promotion exam, so first step towards bringing in extra cash has been taken.  That said, that’s the easiest bit, now I’ve got to start revising.  I have bought a pad of paper and some post-its, but admittedly that’s still a fairly easy bit and I’ve yet to open a book.  However, I am taking one of the books on holiday with me and will aim to do at least two hours a day while I’m away.  Haven’t sorted out a budget yet as just seemed too depressing to do… promise I’ll do that when I get back …. but I did sell my moped and put the money straight into building society rather than go shopping.

Well done, I’m impressed with your restraint on the shopping, but you do need to get your head down and get some revision started.  How are you managing when things don’t go as planned?

I’m running!  When I had my blip I didn’t sit around and cry, I stuck my trainers on and headed out into the rain to run four miles.  Pounding the pavements means there isn’t the opportunity to dwell, instead I focus on the next point on the run, lifting my knees to get up a hill (I threw in a challenging hill at the start just for the hell of it), not throwing up, dodging puddles and avoiding drunks/glass/dog poo.  All that leaves little room for self-pity and by the time I was back home and relaxing in the bath, I felt much better.

All sounds very positive, what are the plans for the next week?

It has the potential to be a difficult week – I’m heading over to Spain to sort out the house to make it ready for holiday lets.  That bit is good.  The not-so-good:  ex=husband is going too as he needs to help with things.   He’s not staying at the house (at my request) but we are travelling there together.  It all just feels very weird.  However, I’m staying positive, packing my trainers and planning to work on house, revise and run – all in sunshine!  

Thank you, I think that concludes our review, I wish you luck for the coming week and we’ll get together at the end of next week to consider progress.

New and Improved

26 May

Project Proposal: Sharon 1.2

Prepared for: Sharon Falconer

Prepared by: Sharon Falconer

Saturday 28 May 2012

Executive Summary

I find myself at the age of 45 with two failed marriages behind me; the heaviest and most unfit I’ve ever been; supporting two mortgages and with a realisation that I am prone to depression that probably should be treated but is coupled with a massive aversion to the idea of drugs or counselling (even admitting it here is a huge step for me to take).  On the positive side, I have the support of some amazing friends who have stood by me.  ‘Stood by me’ is an inappropriate phrase to use as it doesn’t even come close to describing what they’ve done.  It’s far too passive a phrase to cover drinking copious amounts of  wine and/or coffee with me; dragging me out of my cave; encouraging me to laugh uproariously; jumping on a plane with me; trawling garden centres; suggesting gym to join; dancing like I’m 18 again and countless other activities that aren’t anything to do with standing.  Anyway, I digress and this executive summary is turning more into executive waffle.  So back to positives: I’ve got a job (no mean feat in this day and age), I’m healthy & I’m fairly resilient. Taking those positives, I have a base to build on.  Taking as an assumption that I’m going to live til at least my 90s, I’m only half way through, this is my plan for Sharon 2s, the reworked model with a few new features.

Objective

To be in a state of balance, where I’m happy with my life in whatever form it takes,  able to deal with forks and obstacles positively.  By forks I mean forks in the road.  I know how to use cutlery and can deal quite well not only with forks but also spoons and knives, though those weird shaped fish knife things still slightly confuse me.

Goals

In no particular order (which will vary on a daily basis or hourly depending on whether I’m trying to get dressed for a hot date …. And there will be hot dates – see that positive thinking coming in already):

  • To feel comfortable with my body
  • To be financially stable
  • To be ready to start a new relationship
  • To have coping mechanisms for when plans are derailed

Solution

To feel comfortable with my body

Diets and exercise have a long running relationship with me, but more like that relationship with someone you know and like but don’t see all that often, but when you do it’s all very intense for a short period of time then disappears to nothing.  Actually, maybe diet&exercise are fuck buddies with me?!   I need to develop a more mature and sensible relationship, where we meet regularly, respect each other & want to build a future together.

I tend to be an all or nothing person, so will have a few weeks of strict food restriction & lots of running, replaced by the neighbours thinking I’m having an affair with the Dominoes delivery guy as he calls round so often.  Solution:  go for balance.  Appreciate the good things about my body already (pretty good rack, healthy) but work towards having more things I like:  being a size where I can put jeans & vest on and feel comfortable; able to run 10 miles; using food as nutrition & fuel rather than reward/punishment (that fuckbuddy relationship may have an S&M quality to it).  Timescale – end of 2012.

Short term plan: fill cupboards with healthy, nutritious food.  No takeaways for two weeks. Meal plan for two weeks of tasty but energising food.  Stop weighing self. Get in three sessions of exercise a week for two weeks.

Medium term: be running three times a week plus a stretch class (Pilates or yoga) and weights or swimming session. Have established routine of taking lunch to work & cooking in the evening

Long term: run ten miles; have a relationship with food where I don’t turn to carbs and sugar for stress relief.

To be financially stable

Without dwelling too much on the crap that goes with a breakup, suffice to say I’m not quite where I hoped to be on the financial scale.  Paying a mortgage here and in Spain isn’t easy, but, I know I’m better off than many so I’m not going to moan.  Instead I will look at what I can do to improve things.

Short term: set a budget and, here’s the important bit – stick to it!   No more ‘ooh, got to have a (insert name of latest gadget)’ or takeaway rather than cooking (note to self – see previous aim as well).   Second note to self – that includes not immediately googling the camera that links to iPad that lady who runs the coffee shop just mentioned and which you thought would be great for spying on the dog, then justifying it to yourself as an investment as it might help you tackle his issues which cause him to eat your furniture!!

Medium term: rent out place in spain as holiday let; get a lodger; save; get promoted (note how I throw that one in like it’s easy.  Whole separate plan needed for that one.)

Long term: when Spain sells, reinvest.  That does not mean the 21 day hiking and kayaking in Vietnam trip you keep looking at, it means buy to rent!!!

Second long term: if you want to do that 21 day tour of Vietnam – save!!!  Dammit, why does it come back to saving,  I’m so much better at spending than saving.

Be ready to start new relationship

Not really sure where to start on this one.  Issues so numerous to mention: lack of trust, lack of self-confidence, feel ugly, don’t know any single men, never meet any single men, did I mention that lack of trust and no confidence.  Think I can only go short term on this for the moment – get self to a stage where I don’t actively dislike myself (see the body thing above).  Not going to say any more on this bit for now otherwise I’ll be climbing on the pity train, which is fuelled by tears and as I’m typing this in coffee shop that would be a bit embarrassing!  It would also water down the coffee and that is never a good thing.

Have a coping mechanism for when things are derailed

I like to tell myself that I’m flexible – not physically, hence need for Pilates or yoga classes – but that I can adapt to situations.  To an extent I am – when I found out about ex-husband, we were separated and I was living in my new house within 5 months.  I don’t hang around.  But on a smaller scale, things that can seem insignificant can have huge effect on me and plunge me into some weird pit, where I lash out at the people that least deserve it in an attempt to push them away and so prove my hypothesis that I’m a horrible and worthless person.  To a logical outsider, the suggestion would be ‘seek help’.  But I have an underlying fear that I’ve only got as far as I have because noone has found me out yet, so if I speak to an actual professional they might realise that and lock me away.  That in itself may sound irrational, but to a person who regularly sits in meetings and wonders why I’m sat with lots of grown ups when I should actually be in play school, it seems quite rational.  Instead I’ll focus on tapping (more another time), relaxation techniques (back to that yoga) and running.  Lots and lots of running.   One thing I’ve realised, when you’re running you can’t think about anything else other than how your body is feeling, the next marker post, breathing without puking, avoiding muggers & drunks, avoiding puking on muggers & drunks, avoiding muggers & drunks who are puking (Bedford is a great place to live and run, really).

Conclusion

The aims I’ve set myself are very achievable.  Most are interlinked in some way.  I’m resilient – I’ve been through similar situations before and come through it.  I’ve got a great set of friends who support me.  So I’m going to set myself the short term challenges and start recording how I progress – the good bits and the bad bits.  By the end of the year, who knows where I could be, but by the end of a couple of years I’ll be walking in Vietnam, feeling comfy in shorts & vest and liking me very much.